The Stress Will Kill Us All

It's that time of year. Exams approach, and end of quarter projects are due. In my eighth-grade class, this means a 3-5 page research paper and a History test (which, actually, they are taking as I type this--the only moments of quiet I will have today as even my planning periods have been taken over by students asking about papers).

The thing about stress is that it grows with company. I can manage my own stress. I have my quiet time, my dog, my Netflix account, and a pretty good sense of time management. What I can't deal with is the stress of 65 eighth graders whose lives are ending because of three measly pages. It leaks out of them and suddenly I find myself with heartburn over someone's broken printer.

Causal Factor: far too much empathy for other people's stress.

Contributing Factor #1: my planning periods, which were my usual quiet time to recuperate and catch up on my work, are now gone.

Contributing Factor #2: students' stress leaks into their parents when they are home; this osmosis causes said parents to email me, which piles even more onto this already trembling, rickety bridge metaphor I have going here.

Contributing Factor #3: an excess amount of after-school holiday commitments leaves my evenings rushed, and again, missing that quiet alone time.

Some people take this opportunity to become larger-than-life dynamos--I imagine them to be like Italian New Yorkers in a pizza shop, simultaneously tossing the dough, stirring the sauce, and chopping the veggies, all while yelling orders across the kitchen. I admire these people. Someday, I want to be one of these people. These people are awesome. And a little scary.

Then, cowering under a serving table in the back room, there are the people who break apart completely and become shells of misinformation and distraction, as the two boys below have demonstrated this morning:

Chris: (runs into my room in between classes) "Do you have a ladder?"

Me: (sure that I've misheard) "A what? A ladder?"

Chris: "You know. (looks at me as if I'm the one who's not understanding) A ladder."

Me: "Um. Look around the room. Do you see a ladder?"

Chris: (just looks at me)

Me: "Chris. I don't have a ladder."

Chris: "But...my hackey sack is on the roof."

Me: "...Still don't have a ladder."

(same kid, later during that class period)

Chris: (comes to me as I'm handing out rough drafts) "I have an idea for how to get the hackey sacks off the roof."

Me: "That's great, but this is English class. We don't solve hackey sack problems in English class. Know what we do solve? Poor grammar. Can you please go work on your rough draft?"

(same kid, yet another 20 minutes later in class)

Chris: (stops working on his paper revision, comes up to my desk) "Ms. Sefcik, can I go to the office?"

Me: (warily) "Why?"

Chris: "Um, well, I need to ask Ms. J to call someone for me."

Me: "You need her to call someone?"

Chris: "Yeah, I need the maintenance department to do something for me."

Me: "For the last time. Forget about the hackey sack issue. Seriously."

Chris: (goes back to his desk and stares blankly at the ground)


Before the history test:

Me: "Okay, everybody listen up. There's one part of this test that I think might trip a few of you up, so I'm going to demonstrate right now. Look on the back page, where the matching section is. In order to use this with the scantron, I had to make the answer letters in combinations, so we have 'A,' 'B,' 'C,' 'D,' and 'E' first. Then, you see it starts with 'AB,' 'AC,' etc. If your answer choice has more than one letter, you just fill in both of those letters in that space."

(I go to the board)

Me: "Here--I'm going to draw you an example. If the answer to #45 is 'AB,' I fill in the 'A' bubble and the 'B' bubble. See?"

General Student population: "Okayyyy."

Me: "Is anyone confused?"

Greg: "I am."

Me: "Okay, what's confusing?"

Greg: "Everything."

Me: "Okay, which part do I need to explain more?"

Greg: "All of it."

(pause)

Me: "All righty then. Let's go ahead and start and if you have any questions, come ask me."




During the history test:

Greg: (holds out his test and scantron) "Can you explain this to me one more time? So, if the answer says 'AE,' we write 'A' and 'E'?"

Me: "Yep, that's how it works."

Greg: "Okay." (turns to go)

Me: "Wait!" (I pull his scantron sheet closer) "Did you do this in pen?"

Greg: "Uh. Yeah. Were we supposed to use pencil?"

Me: "Greg. It's a SCANTRON. Yes, you're supposed to use pencil. How many scantrons have you used in your life?"

Greg: "Um. A lot."

Me: "And have you ever, on any of those scantrons, used pen?"

Greg: "Uh. No."

Me: "So...?"

Greg: "I don't know."

On Skits in History....

Our history review today. Written by Me. Acted by my students. Hilarious for all involved.

ACT 1, SCENE 1—A Hypocrite

BILLY: Hey Susie!

SUSIE: Yeah, Billy?

BILLY: What do you think of this dude named Thomas Jefferson?

SUSIE: Well, I don’t know, Billy, he sure seems like a swell guy. I’m confused, though. Did he like slavery or not?

BILLY: Well, that’s not totally clear from his actions and policies. Let’s talk to him. Maybe he can clear all of this up. (Billy yells to door) Oh, TJ!

(TJ enters from doorway)

TJ: Here I come to save the day!

(Billy and Susie look at each other)

SUSIE: Umm, o-kayyy.

BILLY: Hey, Mr. TJ. We have a question for you. How did you feel about slavery?

TJ: Well, I owned over 200 slaves on my plantation called Monticello. I even had an affair with one of them named Sally Hemings. We had four children who lived to adulthood and I freed them all when they came of age. Three of our children entered white society as adults because they were 7/8 white. The Sally Hemings children were the only family to be freed from Monticello during my lifetime.

SUSIE: Whoa! I didn’t know that!

BILLY: Neither did I—so you mean you kept your children in slavery until they were 21?

TJ: Well….yes. But I did propose federal legislation banning slavery in the New Territories of the North and South, which only failed to pass in Congress by one vote. In 1807, I ended the importation of slaves into America.

SUSIE: Wow, Mr. TJ, you’re a confusing man.

TJ: Yes. Thank you.

(JASON enters from hallway)

BILLY: Oh, look, it’s Jason!

JASON: Hi friends!

SUSIE: Jason, this is Mr. Thomas Jefferson.

TJ: What up?

JASON: I’m just on my way to class. I want to be an architect when I grow up.

TJ: Oh, I’m an architect.

BILLY: What? I thought you were a slave-owner and politician.

TJ: I’m that, too. I helped design the layout of Washington, D.C., and I founded and designed the University of Virginia. I am multi-talented.

JASON: Wow! I love the layout of the University of Virginia! Who was your inspiration?

TJ: I’m really into this Italian designer named Palladio. I think about how I want my buildings to look, and I’m all—Roman and Greek stuff, yeah!

SUSIE: Like Neoclassicism.

BILLY: Like Nerdy-what?!

SUSIE: Neoclassicism—a harkening back to the ancient Greeks and Romans, not only in looks, but also in thought, beliefs…the list is endless.

TJ: Wow, Susie, you’re really smart.

BILLY: I love you.

JASON: (awkward turtle) That was awk.

END SCENE 1

ACT 1, SCENE 2—Building Government

JOHN D = John Dickinson                                               ROGER = Roger Sherman

ALEX = Alexander Hamilton                                       JAMES = James Madison

WILL = William Paterson

JOHN D: Man. These Articles of Confederation really stink. We need something else to govern this country. Yo.

JAMES: Where’s TJ?

ALEX: He’s not here.

JAMES: What a slacker. So, anyway, I’ve got this awesome plan for our new government. It’s called the Virginia Plan.  (Pause) Because I’m….from Virginia.

JOHN D: (sarcastically)  Wow, original name.

JAMES: Thanks. (gets really animated) It will have 3 branches of government (waves his arms wildly) The Executive, which enforces laws (makes gun shooting motion), the Legislative, which makes the laws (mimics writing on a giant imaginary sheet of paper), and the Judicial, to interpret the laws (imitates banging a giant gavel).

ALEX: Um, okay. How will we elect our representatives.

JAMES: (at the height of his antics—faces the class and proclaims this like a king) We shall elect representatives based purely on population in a bicameral legislature. And it shall be wonderful. (bows) Virginia Plan, signing out.

JOHN D: Wow, I’m not sure if I’m okay with having two camels run our government.

ALEX: Can someone please tell me where we’re going to find two camels in Pennsylvania?

JAMES: Not “camels,” you baboons—bi-CAMERAL. It means two houses. You’ve totally ruined my presentation.

JOHN D: Oh, bi-cameral. That makes more sense.

ALEX: I still don’t know if I’m okay with this. But, I guess we have no other option, so…

(WILL enters from hallway)

WILL: (sing-songy) Here I come to save the day!

(pause)

WILL: Okay, I’m no Captain America, but I do have a second option. We small state people don’t want to be rail-roaded by your Virginia Plan that has representation based on population. We want (in an announcer voice) The New Jersey Plan!

ALEX: Does this plan have camels, too?

WILL: The New Jersey Plan has a uni-cameral legislature that elects representatives based on equality. And if you support my plan, I’ll buy you a camel.

ALEX: (immediately raises his hand) Oooh, I like this guy!

JAMES: We can’t choose our government based on exotic pets! I still think my Virginia Plan is best.

WILL: Well, I think it’s stupid. You’re stupid.

JAMES: You’re a poo-head.

(Roger appears by the windows)

ROGER: Gentlemen, or should I say toddlers?

JAMES AND WILL: WHAT?!

ROGER: I believe I have the solution. We shall make a compromise. And in our tradition of naming things awesomely, I shall call it The Great Compromise.

ALEX: I like it. Does it come with camels?

ROGER: Camels are really an obsession for you, aren’t they?

ALEX: I mean, I like them.

ROGER: My Great Compromise will have two camels, and one shall be chosen based on population and one shall be based on equality. What say you?

JOHN D: And the issue of slavery?

ROGER: We will give our slaves no rights and they will each count for 3/5 of a person in the population. I don’t like it, but apparently our moral standards are quite low.

JAMES: I like it.

WILL: I like it.

ROGER: Bam.

ACT 1, SCENE 3—G DUBBS

G = George Washington                                     ALEX = Alexander Hamilton

G: So, I find that I am now in charge of this mess of a bunch of states. I’d better be careful about what I do. I know everyone is watching.

(paces around front of room)

G: Hmm, I’d better appoint some people to help me keep track of all of this stuff. (turns to hallway and screams) ALEX!

ALEX: (comes in, yawning) What’s happening, boss?

G: Were you sleeping?

ALEX: After legislating nap. Gotta love it. What can I do for you?

G: (shakes his head) Okay, you like money, so I’m going to put you in charge of the National Treasury.

ALEX: (turns to audience and speaks enthusiastically) I. LOVE. MONEY! (turns back to G and speaks in a casual way) I mean, that would be cool.

G: Now I need someone to run my State department and manage foreign relations.

ALEX: Ugh. Make ‘ole TJ do that job. Yuck.

G: Good thinking. LOLZ. Obviously I should give the War department to Henry Knox. I mean, a Fort is named after him and everything. And for the Attorney General…well, Edmund Randolph had a pretty good idea with the Virginia Plan, so I’ll let him do it.

ALEX: Didn’t we end up not using that plan?

G: Well, it was good-ish.

ALEX: How many justices are you going to put on the Supreme Court?

G: Six.

ALEX: But what if the verdict is a tie?

G: I’m sure someone else down the line will deal with that.

(Pause for the passage of time)

ALEX: Some time has passed.

G: Hey, Alex. How’s your financial plan going?

ALEX: Well, thank you very much for the $52 million debt you started me off with from the Revolutionary War.

G: Yeah…

ALEX: So I told all the states that we’re going to pay all of their debts, but in return we’re going to tax all imported goods and create a national bank.

G: How did they take that?

ALEX: Oh, everyone was fine with it except the South

ALEX and G: Of course!

ALEX: So, the National Bank is going to print money and hold government funds, we’ve decided to move the National capital to Virginia, and we’re operating under “loose” interpretation of the Constitution.

G: Hang on a minute there. We’re moving the capital?

ALEX: Uh, yeah. Don’t you want to be in the South? Sunshine? Cornbread?

G: Well, I do like cornbread.

ALEX: See? No problem. Plus, the Southern states wouldn’t agree to this deal unless we compromised. I HATE compromising.

G: Okay. As long as we set a good precedent, I’m fine with it.

(G walks offstage)

ALEX: Um, duh, he IS the president.

END

On Snarkiness....

Diane and Layne stand in front of my desk, watching me before school starts. I get some lotion.

Me: "Yes, I have lotion. No, you can't have any."

Layne: "I don't like lotion."

Diane: "Yeah, when you put it on, everything sticks to your hands. Dust, glitter--"

Me: "Why would you routinely have glitter?"

Diane: "Um, Ms. Sefcik, glitter is, like, necessary."

Me: "Oh, my bad."

Layne: "Anyway, lotion is disgusting."

Diane: "Lotion is for old people with old gross crusty hands."

Layne: "Ms. Sefcik, if you live to be 100, I want to be 100 minus one day so that I don't have to live without you."

Diane: "No...wait."

Layne: "No--if you live to be 90, I want to be 91 so that I can live one year without you."

Me: (in Yoda voice) "Brilliant, you are."

Diane: "You're so weird."

Me: "Yeah..."