On Bi-Camels......

In history class, we are just ending the revolutionary war and beginning the Foundation period. I was finding it difficult to help my students keep all of the Plans our Founding Fathers proposed straight, hence the Bi-Camels (pun intended).


Me: "So when the Revolutionary War ended, we were left with a huge amount of debt, and more importantly, no clear government!"

Jake: "like, people could do whatever they wanted?"

Kyle: "cool!"

Me: "wait a second, guys, it wasn't like the apocalypse and then total anarchy."

crickets

Me: "Translation: it was like when Harry defeats Voldemort and Dumbledore is dead and Snape is dead and there's technically no elected Headmaster of Hogwarts but of course there are still leaders that everyone follows, I mean, hello, McGonagall is still right there."

crickets

Holly: "Is Harry Potter really applicable here, Ms. Sefcik?"

Me: "Harry Potter is always applicable. Also, nice use of the word 'applicable.' Also, let's get back to the Founders. The New Jersey Plan proposed one legislative body that would give every state equal representation in the form of one vote. Well, guess who didn't like that?"

Mary: "Mary!" (Shoots hand into air)

Frank: "why do you say your own name?"

Mary: "It makes people call on you."

Me: "Yes, Mary, who didn't like it?"

Mary: "(to Frank) See? (to me) The big states."

Me: "Yes! So good ole Edmund Randolph and James Madison submitted what became known as the Virginia plan. The Virginia plan was to have a bicameral house legislature--two houses based on population."

crickets

Me: "Who knows what bicameral means?"

crickets

Me: "Hmm, talkative class today. Ohhhh-kayyy, well---AHA! I know! Ok, watch this--"

(proceed to draw on board)

Katy: "WHAT is THAT?"

John: "I think it's a dying dog."

Laine: "I'm pretty sure it's supposed to be a snake bird monster."

Katy: "It looks deformed."

Me: (step back to admire my handiwork) "What? It's a camel. See? The humps on its back? Those are the houses of the VA plan! And this one only has one hump, so it's the NJ Plan. Get it? It's a BI-CAMerAL! Bi-camel! Bi-cameral! See?"

Holly: "The one on the right looks sick."

On Things in Study Hall....

Di: "Are you feeding the animals on your Farmville account?"

Me: "I do NOT have Farmville."

Lex: "Haha, yeah. I’ll bet you don’t."

Me: "Seriously. I DO NOT have Farmville."

Di: "Okay does this go a little bit deeper –do people in your family choose Farmville over spending time with you?"

Me: "Wow. That was far better than anything I thought you were going to say."

Lex: "You’re letting Jamie and me work together."

Me: "That’s called giving you rope and letting you hang yourself with it."

Di: "That’s not very nice."

Lex: "I’m going to tie a bow."

Di: "What are you going to be for grit day?"

Me: "Something clever and funny."

Lex: "Uhhh."

Me: "What? You don’t think I can be clever and funny? My Halloween costume was awesome."

Lex: "You dressed up like a BGA student."

Me: "Yeah, and I fooled everyone!"

Di: "Yeah, she blended in because she’s so short."

Me: "I actually have work to do, so…."

Lex: "Well, if you’re implying that I should leave, that’s not gonna happen."

Di: "Come on, she needs to feed her sheep on Farmville."

(this is my biggest button to push since I do not and never will have a Farmville account)

Me: "I DO NOT HAVE FARMVILLE!"

Di: "Hahahahaha. She totally does."

(Overheard from the other side of the room)

J: “You have the strength of a teaspoon.”

B: “In a soup.”

J: “Of a little teaspoon.”

B: “In a heavy soup.”

J: “a plastic teaspoon.”

B: “In a hot, heavy soup.”

J: “Burn!”

B: “You need some aloe with that vera!”

On Morning Time Before School....

I had three students come into my class early today. They were "doing homework"

Me: "Oh! I just remembered what we’re doing in English today."

(students look)

Me: "Not that I didn’t know what we were doing in English when I got here this morning."

Bob: "Ms. Sefcik, where’s your list?"

Me: "I didn’t make one yet today. I appreciate that you understand about the importance of the list."

Bob: "You’re the only person I know that needs a list."

Matt: "Hahaha."

Bob: "She does. If she doesn’t have a list we go way off track and we don’t learn anything."

Me: "Hey! You still learn things….just not English-related things." (take a sip of my morning beverage)

Bob: "How many shots of--"

Matt: "--tequila--"

Bob: "--espresso did you have today?"

Me: "This is chai tea."

Matt: (stage whisper) "Chai tea is herbs and spices!"

Me: "Do we need to have a drugs and alcohol talk?"

Bob and Matt: "NO."

Matt: "Drinking is bad."

Bob: "Except for Dr. Pepper. Dr. Pepper is good."

(five minutes later--Bob spinning in squeaky old rolling chair)

Me: "Bob, that is the most annoying sound on the planet."

Bob: "Sorry."

(three minutes later)

Me: "BOB!"

Bob: "Sorry."

(Bob looks at Matt)

Bob: "She's mean to me. She yells at me."

Me: "You probably deserved it."

Bob: "What?! Ms. Sefcik, you have to be nice to students."

Me: "No, I don't."

Bob: "What?! I'm going to turn you in."

Me: "Haha. Ok."

(meanwhile, in the corner of the room...)

Megan: "Aaaaahhhh! Ms. Parker is going to kill me!" (coloring furiously on an unfinished art project)

Me: "I'm sure it will be okay--it's just one grade."

Mallory: (walks in, hearing the problem) "What period do you have art?"

Megan: "Third."

Mallory: "Just do it during class."

Megan: "I can't do it in math--I have a test. I could do it in English..." (both look at me)

Me: "Uh, no, you can't." 

Megan: "But Ms. Sefcikkkkkkk, I need to fin-ishhhhhh." 

Me: "This is one of those lessons that hurts you to learn and hurts me to teach, but I know you'll survive."

Megan: (dramatic sigh) "Okehh."

On the Most Awesome Grammar Presentation....

One of my students is a bonafide musical prodigy. He plays guitar and sings, and he's pretty much just hilarious. When he had to do a 20-minute presentation on adjectives yesterday in class, I didn't know what to expect, but the whole package began with brownies and ended with a song (now that I think about it, did I have class or go to girl scout camp?)....anyway, he agreed to let me video and post his song online to share with all of you. So here it is.

On the Snarky Response Unit....

Greg: "Do we have to write these notes down?"

Maggie: "God, Greg, of course you have to write it down! She wouldn't put it on the board if you didn't have to write it down."

Me: (with surprise) "Why, thank you, Maggie."

Kyle: (holding up worksheet) "Is this a quiz? Are we having a quiz on this?"

Maddie: (turns around in exasperation) "NO. She already said that at the beginning of class. Now, will you be quiet and listen?"

Me: "Wow. Thank you, Maddie. I think I'm gonna call you two the Snarky Response Unit (SRU). HAHA. Get it? the Snarky "response" unit."

Katy: "I don't get it."

Greg: "That joke was as bad as the Harry Potter joke."

Maddie: "Because we're 'responding' to questions, George. It was kinda funny, Ms. Sefcik."

Maggie: "Haha, yeah."

Greg: "No one cares, guys."

Charlie: "Hey, SRU. Go jump in a lake."

Kyle: "Oooh, burn."

Harrison: (quietly sitting on opposite side of the room) "I have such a good comeback right now."

Kyle: "They're gonna need some aloe for that burn."

Me: "OH MY GOD. What IS it with the ALOE?"

On Poor Jokes and Forced Laughs....

While reading Thomas Paine's "Common Sense" in history class, I strike out with my joke-telling and, ironically, get "told" myself.

Me: (giggling to myself as I read my notes in the margin of my history book from last year) "Hey guys--see where it says 'Paine's pamphlet sold more than 150,000 copies'? It was like the Harry Potter of its time!"

(silence)

Maddy: "We're not laughing because that wasn't funny."

Me: (sad face) "Whaa?"

Kyle: "Oh BURN. You want some aloe with that, Ms. Sefcik?"

Tim: "Hey, I have a joke: Sally has 20 candy bars and she eats 19 of them. What does she still have?  Diabetes!"

John: (turning to me) "See, that was a joke."

Kyle: "Oh BURN. I think you need some more aloe."

Holly: "What?"

Leslie: "That doesn't make sense."

Jake: (sung to "Don't Stop Believing" by that beautiful band, Journey) "Do-o-o-on't Stop. Belie-ee-e-ving...or I will sink the te-e-ea in the har-bo-or."

Me: "That was beautiful, Jake. Let's roll with that and get back to Common Sense--in more ways than one. hehehe."

John: "Did she think that was a joke, too?"

Me: "Man. I just can't do anything right today, can I?"

(pause)

(students laugh)

Me: "Oh, COME ON. That's what you think is funny?"



Side note: Jake spent the rest of the class period finishing the lyrics to his made up song about the Boston Tea Party and the Boston Massacre (which seem to be mixed together, though I explicitly stated that they were years apart). I've listed them below.

Don't stop believing
Or we will sink all of the tea
In the harbor
The ships come
British shoot
Bang Bang Ban-n-n-n-n-g

Don't stop
the British
Or we will lose
all the tea again-n-n-n-n
No No Don't
We will stop-p-p-p
for some more Chai tea

Yeah Yeah Yeahhh
Yeah Yeah Yeahhhhhhhh

On Remembering My Own Address....

Today, we administered the Readistep PSAT test (basically a practice version of the PSAT). Looking at my schedule, where 30 minutes was allotted for filling out the answer sheets, I thought to myself, 'no way they'll take 30 whole minutes to fill these things out....we are going to be so ahead!' What a poor, ignorant shmuck I am, thinking that this would be easy. Little did I know...

Me: "Does everyone have a calculator and pencil? I now have to read you all this incredibly boring set of instructions so that all of you have an equal testing environment. To make this dull task more exciting for me, I will pretend we are on an airplane." (clear my throat and hoist a fake smile on my face) "Welcome! Testing will begin in a few minutes. Place all personal possessions under your chair (miming putting books under chair in a Vanna-White-ish gesture). If you have an alarm watch, cell phone (hold invisible phone to ear) or beeper (pull out imaginary belt), turn if off so that it will not disturb other students (thumbs up)."

....after 10 or so minutes....

Me: "I'm now a wicked witch who lives in a candy house in the magical, yet dark, jungle. (cackling) EEEEhhhheeeee, my pretties! Turn the answer folder so that the page with NAME at the top is facing you. Responses to the Grade Average and Ethnicity questions will be used to conduct research."

Katie: "Do I put 'Other'?"

Me: "You put 'white.'"

Katie: "But I'm Irish."

Me: "You're white."

Jake: "I don't think I can be defined by a color, Ms. Sefcik."

Me: "Seriously? You want to be all philosophical now, in the middle of a standardized test, but when I ask you to talk about race relations in history class, it's all silence. Nice. Ahem--Complete section 5. Fill in the matching circles for your grade average. Are there any questions?"

(five hands go up)

Me: "Ughhhnngh. Moving on. Please write your address in section 6 and fill in the corresponding circles below."

Fae: "Do I write the number first, or the street first?"

Me: "Write it how you would normally write your address on a form."

Fae: "........."

Me: "So write the number first."

John: "My address has two words in it. Do I write both of the words?"

Me: "Okay, I'm going to do an example with my address on the board. (pause) Not my real address, because I don't trust any of you creepers with that."

Kyle: (disappointedly) "Oh man."

Me: "Exactly. Here's how I would write this address: 350 Holland Lane  Nashville TN 37220."

Tina: (shoots hand in air) "My address is 'Drive.' Do I write 'Drive,' or do I write 'DR'?"

Me: "I don't think it matters."

Tina: (angsty-face) "But--"

Me: "OKAY--write 'Drive'!"

Nick: (raises hand)

Me: "Yes, Nick?"

Nick: "What if I don't know my address?"

Me: "Oh, very funny."

Nick: "I don't know my address."

Me: (pause, gauging whether this is a joke) "I can't decide whether you're joking right now..."

Nick: "No, seriously."

Me: "What?! How is it possible that you don't know your address? If you got lost, and a policeman asked you where you live, and you told him you don't know, he would say 'What? Are you three?!'"

James: (raises hand)

Me: "Don't tell me you don't know your address either."

James: "Ummm."

Me: "OH. MY. GOD. How many other people don't know their addresses?"

(three more hands in the air)

Me: (frozen in disbelief--like, I think my brain quit working for a moment)

James: "Sooo, what should I put?"

Me: "I don't know. I seriously never considered the possibility that some of you would have no clue where you live. I don't think the test makers did either, because there's no neat little speech in here telling me what to tell you right now. We have literally thrown the book out of the airplane. It's burning in the witch's oven. We are sunk. Watership Down." (I place my head in my hands to collect my ever-so-not-calm thoughts).

Mabel: "Guys. We broke her."

Me: "Close enough, Mabel. Close enough."

On Mondays after Breaks....

Me: "Okay, we're going to work on parts 1 & 2 of your assignment sheet. I want you to look at your image silently for two minutes, then you're going to flip your image over and answer the questions on parts 1 & 2 from memory."

(two minutes later)

Me: "Now flip your images over and fill out the questions for parts 1 & 2 as completely as you can. You don't have to use complete sentences, but be as imaginative as possible. I'm asking you to NOT talk about football or what you did over fall break. Just be creative! Use your imaginations! Okay, five minutes, GO!"

(1 minute passes)

Katie: "Are we supposed to do part 2?"

Me: "Yes."

Jack: "Wait, we're supposed to do part 2?"

Andy: "Yeah, man, she already said that."

Jack: "I thought we were supposed to do part 1 and then wait for instructions."

Claire: "Stop talking."

John: "I don't understand this question."

Me: "Just answer to the best of your ability."

Erin: "I'm so confused--are we doing part 1 or part 2?"

Grace: "Part 2."

Jack: "Wait, so we're not supposed to do part 1?"

Me: "Jack, do you really think I would give you an assignment that has a part 1 and a part 2 and ask you to do part 2 and not part 1?"

Jack: "Wait.....what?"

Me: "OMG! Guys! You do parts 1 & 2. What do you not understand?! Am I talking to a bunch of chia pets?"

Jack and Zach (simultaneously turn toward me): "Ch-ch-ch-CHIA!"

Brandon: "Ms. Sefcik, did you have your triple shot latte this morning?"

Me: "In a word, no."

On Poetic Souls....

Prompt on Board (leading into a discussion on Langston Hughes' "Theme for English B"): What do all people have in common?

Me: "Okay, who wants to share a response to the prompt? John?"

John: "We all live on earth."

Me: "Ok, yes, we all live on earth. I'm looking for something less bodily, like maybe 'opinions' or 'dreams.'"

Leslie: "Some people live on Mars."

Me: "Um, I don't think that's true, and let's let go of the physical aspects we have in common. Focus on what makes us human."

Bill: "We all have hair."

Me: "That's still part of your body."

Bill: "It is?"

Me: ...sigh... "Does anyone have something that doesn't have to do with the body?"

Jack: "I wrote a poem as my response."

Me: "Oh, okay. Let's hear it!"

Jack: (ahem)
         "All people like bacon
           All people like cheese
           All the people be hatin'
           Hatin on me"

Rachel: "That was hilarious."


Later in the same class:

Me: "We're going to do a similar question. I really want you to think about your answer--like the poem says, let the page come from you. Respond to the prompt on the board."

prompt: What is the common thread that ties us all together as humans?

Jack: "I've written another poem.
         
         Humans are fun;
         There are more than one.
         How do they connect?
         Through phones I suspect."

Me: "Awesome."

On Seating Segregation....

Me: (as students are sitting down at the beginning of class) "Wow. How many times do I have to tell you people to mix in boys with girls?"

Guy: "We don't like sitting by them."

Me: "Why?"

Guy: "Because they're not friendly."

Me: "Because they don't talk to you during class, you mean."

Guy: "Yeah, they're conversation killers. I mean, you can say something like 'Hey, how's it going?' and they totally just ignore you."

Me: "Maris and Emily, why don't you go sit next to Guy? He clearly needs to be surrounded by positive female influences."

Guy: "What? Nooooo."

Emily: "Is this really fair? Now Maris and I are being punished when we didn't do anything wrong."

Me: "I'm sorry."

Guy: (sudden realization hits) "Hey."

On Mistaken Identity....

In my 7th grade study hall....

Me: "Katie, Ellie, and Sara--stop talking and get something to work on! Joel--you need to sit DOWN!"

(they do so...keep working)

(5 minutes later)

Me: "Joel! Didn't I just tell you to sit down. First, you're over there (point to seat in back right corner) and now you're over there (point to middle left row). Pick a seat and stay in it."

Joel: "Sorry." (sits in his chair)

(kids come in and go out to library as passes become available)

Me: (I look up and check on students. Scanning the room, I have the nagging feeling that something is not right....my brain is trying to catch up to my feeling when I realize what it is) "Um. Hello. I just realized that I have made a big mistake. I have been calling you (point to Joel) and you (point to other Joel) both Joel. One of you is clearly NOT Joel. Would the real Joel please stand up?"

Joel #1: "I'm Joel. He's Braden."

Joel #2: "What? No, he's not! I'm Joel, and he's Braden!"

The rest of the students: (were watching this unfold silently, but now explode) "Hahahaha yeah, he's Joel! He's Joel! No, he's Joel!"

Me: "ERMAGHERD! Which one of you is really Joel?! And how could you have let me keep calling you the wrong name all this time?"

Joel: "Because it was funny."

Me: "Oh my god. This is ridiculous."

Really Sweet Girl: "Ms. Sefcik, he's Joel. And he's Braden."

Me: "Thank you."

Braden: "Noooo, I really want you to call me Joel."

Me: "How happy is it going to make you if I keep calling you Joel?"

Braden: "REALLY happy!"

Me: "Okay, Joel, go sit down."

Braden/Joel: :) :) :) :)