On SSR...

Me: (walking into classroom five minutes after break starts) "Oh, you guys are so good! Look at you, sitting down and all quiet. I'm so impressed."

Mr. Stewart: (stands up by toaster in back of room) "What? They're only quiet because I'm in here." (takes his Pop-tarts from toaster and walks out)

Me: "I am so not impressed anymore."

Alex: "I don't have a book."

Me: "How can you not have a book? We've been talking about this for two weeks now. First SSR day is Friday, make sure you have a book for Friday, hey guys don't forget about SSR on Friday...."

Justin: "I don't have a book either."

Me: "You've got to be kidding me."

(both find books on the shelf in the room)

(John and Kyle begin talking in back of room)

Me: "Hey. Open your books and start reading."

John: (turns head to opposite side of room and continues whispering) "shsooeupppphhhs.."

Kyle: (also turns head and keeps whispering) "lskiehoopppprrish...."

Me: "Oh, obviously if you turn your heads to the left, I can't see you anymore."

Kyle: "Oh. Sorry."

John: "Wait...really?"

Me: "Yes, I've suddenly gone blind. Seriously. I can't see."

Reagan: "So you can't see me right now?"

Me: "Reagan? Is that you?"

Addy: "I have an idea--how about we make you a scavenger hunt and hide your stuff around the room?"

Me: "I have an idea--how about you STOP TALKING and READ."

Kyle: "I knew she was faking."

On Honey Boo Boo Chile....

God help me, I wish that circumstances would never have led me to stumble upon the train wreck called "Honey Boo Boo." How did it happen? Well....

Me: "We are about to watch something seriously disturbing. Has anyone seen the show Toddlers & Tiaras?"

Harris: "Oh, that show is sick!"

Zach: "That's not even the worst one--have you seen Honey Boo Boo?"

Liz: "Oh my gosh! We have to watch Honey Boo Boo, Ms. Sefcik!"

Kyle: (in exaggerated southern girl voice) "'Honey Boo Boo chile don't need no luck 'cuz Honey Boo Boo gon' get that crown!"

Me: "I don't even know what you just said."

Megan: "I. LOVE. HONEY BOO BOO."

Amanada: "Ew. She is so disgusting. How can you like her?"

Megan: "Watching that show makes me feel smarter."

Me: "Okay, right there! Why would watching the show make you feel smart? What do these shows tell children in our society?"

John: "If you grow up with crazy parents you're going to become insane."


(turn on beginning of Honey Boo Boo)

Ashley: "Ahhhh! There she is!"

Justin: "That girl drinks, like, 5 energy drinks every day."

(girl in video twists around and flails head wildly)

Katie: "She looks like the exorcist."

Me: "She looks like she needs an exorcist. How can you even watch this?"

Tim: "Haha because it's so funny."

(general agreement)

Me: "This is like child abuse recorded on film."

Ashley: "Do you know what's in her Go-Go juice?"

Megan: "I heard they put Mountain Dew and coffee."

John: "This is my favorite part."

(girl on TV grabs her stomach fat and pushes it around, screeching "this is what I show the judges!")

Me: "Annnnd I'm done."

On Pretty People....

Me: (passing out packets that feature the show Ugly Betty on the front, followed by info about gothic dress on page 2, pictures of models on page 3, including Channing Tatum, Zac Efron, and Amy Adams)  "Okay, now I have a packet for you that we're going to use to talk about ugliness and beauty in our society in America. When I give it to you, stay on the first page, because I don't want anyone to get distracted."

Students: (as one, turn to page 3)

Kathleen: "Oooh look at this---this girl is so HOT."

Me: (still passing out packets) "Um, I'm pretty sure you're not talking about Ugly Betty, so why are you flipping the pages?"

Other Students: "Ahhhhhh! Zac Efron! This chick is hot! Channing Tatum! Etc!"

Me: "Ok, since we're all stuck on the model page anyway, let's do that one first. When you look at the pretty celebrities, how do you feel?"

Justin: "Ugly."

Harris: "I love them."

Me: "Why do we love them? What is it about them that makes us want them?"

Frank: "Because they're 'bomb' attractive, Ms. Sefcik."

Me: "Of course. But what qualities make them so attractive?"

Kathleen: "Maybe because they're symmetrical, like they say in the book."

Justin: "Tristan, you're looking very symmetrical today."

Tristan: "Why, thank you. Your eyes look like they're the same size as well."

Me: "Wow. I don't even know what to say to that. So let's move on to ugly. How do we define 'ugly' in our culture?"

Lexi: "Braces. But only on older people."

Sara: "Yeah, like, I have braces, but that's okay."

Lexi: "Your braces are cute."

Sara: "Thanks, I got pink bands this time."

Lexi: "I know, I like them better than the green ones. Those made you look like you had lettuce in your teeth."

Justin: "My braces are sexy."

Andy: "Ms. Sefcik, have you ever seen Chelsea's pictures on Facebook?"

Rob: "Oh my gosh, yeah! She gets 600 likes on every one of her pictures!"

Andy: "She is SO HOT!"

Boys: (chime in, agreeing that Chelsea's pictures are attractive)

Me: "Does she go to school here?"

Andy: "No."

Me: "Then how would I know her?"

Andy: "I don't know."

Me: "Okay. I feel we've gotten somewhat off track. What's the problem with these pictures of celebrities? Why might we feel ugly or upset with ourselves when we look at them?"

Noel: "Women are fake."

Me: "Fake like photoshopped?"

Noel: "Yeah. They add in stuff that's not really there."

Justin: "Like in those Gatorade commercials where they're sweating all over the place and it's not really like that, because I've tried!"

Me: "You've tried? Do you mean to tell me you've tried to sweat blue Gatorade in real life?"

Justin: "Do you mean to tell me you haven't?"

Noel: "Though I have to admit....Channing Tatum is really attractive."

The Rest of the Class: "....................................HAHAHAHAHA."

Noel: "What? He is."

On Harry Potter....

S: "ms. Sefcik, you really like Harry Potter, don't you?"

Me: "is that a trick question? Of course I like Harry Potter. Who DOESN'T like Harry Potter?"


A: (5th grader in hallway) "ms.sefcik? I don't know if you did this on purpose, but your license plate? It says 'muggleborn'!"

Me: "I did do it on purpose. I am a Muggle. Don't tell anyone."

A: (in earnest) "I won't!"


Me: "as my students last year figured out, all you have to do to get me off track is start talking about Harry Potter."

D: "hmmm, isn't it funny when those Weasley twins play pranks?"

Me: "ok guys, I mean, you have to be a little more subtle than that. But I will say, if you insult Harry Potter I will derail this conversation faster than a squirrel running up a tree from my dog. Enough about that though. Who has a comment on chapter six of Uglies?"

H: "I really just have to say that Voldemort was the salvation of the wizarding world."

Me: "WHAT?! Blasphemy! Out, sir! How could you seriously think that Voldemort was any good at all?"

(snicker snicker sly looks)

Me: "Oh. I see what you've done here. Touché, my friend, touché."


T: "You have a Gryffindor flag but no Slytherin flag. Are you a Gryffindor?"

Me: "Obviously. What kind of question is that?"

T: "why don't you get a Slytherin flag too?"

Me: "I can't be inviting Slytherin trash into my room, now can I? Riddikulus."

On Historical Figures....

Me: "how are you all doing with your rewriting of the declaration of independence? Any questions on characters?"

L: "I'm John Dickinson, and I'm a Quaker, so can I bring in Quaker oat crackers for my presentation."

Me: "it's not that kind of Quaker. You're actually more into non-violence and peaceful gatherings than geometrical oat products."

L: (disappointed look) "oh. Are you sure they weren't related at all?"

On Our Visit to the Library....

We had our yearly orientation in the library today, which provided ample opportunity for the ridiculous:

Librarian: "What do you think goes in the cups by the computers?"

B: "Pens!"

P: "Pencils!"

Librarian: "Ok, so what do you think doesn't belong in the cups?"

J: "Trash."

K: "Candy wrappers."

T: "Tomato sauce."

Librarian: "What?! Well, yes, tomato sauce definitely doesn't belong there."


Meanwhile, at another table...

H: "No man, I know you have it!"

G: "Check my bag, I told you I don't."

Librarian: (to me) "I think we have a 4th-grade argument developing over here."

Me: "What's going on, guys?"

H: "I had three pens out here, and now my black pen is MISSING. And I know he took it!"

G: (holding out all the pens in his pencil pouch) "He can look in here--none of these are his."

H: "Well, then, where did it go? I had it right here on the table!"

Me: "Okay, just calm down. Look under the table; everybody lift up your notebooks."

Students at Table: (lift binders, notebooks, folders, pens, etc.)

H: (looks in his pencil pouch, looks up sheepishly) "Um. Actually, it's in here. Sooooo never mind."

Me: "...."

G: "I TOLD YOU."

On Soft Hard Things....

Me: "We're going to brainstorm the advantages and disadvantages of the colonies breaking away from Great Britain. I need two volunteers who have excellent writing skills to make lists on the board."

Students: "Ahh! Ugh! Ms. Sefcik! Me! Me! Here! Ah!"

Me: "Alli and Maddie."

Guy: "Two girls? Ms. Sefcik, my handwriting is better than theirs."

Jack: "Yeah, even Ms. Ferguson said Guy has the best handwriting."

Me: "Okay, Guy, you can write next time."

Guy: "Do you promise?"

Me: "I pinkie swear."

Maddie: (walks up to board and touches it) "Ooooh, Ms. Sefcik, your board is really soft!"

Alli: (petting the board) "Oooooooh, it IS soft!"

Me: "Um, really?" (touching the board)

Anyone who happens to glance in from the hallway: "???!!????" (confusion)

Me: (reluctantly stop touching the white board) "Well, I guess we have to start making our lists now."

JD: "HEY!"

Me: (spins to look for disaster)  "What?! Are you okay?"

JD: "Yeah. It's just--they're both left handed." (points to Maddie and Alli)

Me: "Oh my god. Do not DO that to me. I thought you were being mugged or something."

JD: "Why would I need a mug? We're not allowed to have coffee. Don't you know that's bad for you?"

Me: "My brain hurts."

Maris: "You probably had too much caffeine."

Me: (muttering) "Or not enough...."

A Few Reasons Why I Love Teaching:

• I get to go to school every day....which is like every nerd's wet dream.
• Other people have to read the same books I like to read, and then I get to make them talk about them with me (never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would get to do this).
• If I am bored with an activity, I get to change it to a different one.
• My students come up with the coolest nicknames ever, (StephSef--seriously, who else would have thought of that?) even though they can't call me by them. 
• I am complimented on my car's license plate at least once a day (MUGLBRN--so cool, I know).
• I am surrounded by people who appreciate the depth of the Percy Jackson series' greatness and who are willing to rally behind my Camp Half-Blood badge (because I totally have one).
• Pig Latin is no longer a lost language.
• Using even mediocre words (like "mediocre") makes me feel as though I have ascended to Neitzsche's level of eloquence.
• Snack time. Need I say more?
• When one of my previous students says "hi," I feel like I won something. I don't know what I won, but it feels good. 
• I finally have an excuse to go to bed early (so sorry, I have to get up early...I AM a teacher, you know).
• I feel like I'm slowly working my way toward a PhD in Adolescent Psychology. Like, one day I'll just show up and take the test and be like "Ok, give me my doctorate now. I've heard it all."
• Sometimes students ask me for help on their math homework. And I actually know how to do it, because it's 8th grade math. And in that moment, I am a math GENIUS.
• And finally--I just can't imagine another job where I would get to hear conversations like these ones every day. It's just more fun than should be allowed.

On Non-Sequiturs....

Me:  "Okay, everyone should have a pen or a pencil, your homework, and your novel out. Sit down, please!"

Students: (shuffle)

Guy: "Can I go to the bathroom?"

Me: "No."

Guy: "I hit my hand on the desk."

Me: "Aw, I'm sorry. I'm sure it will be okay in a minute."

Jamie: "Ms. Sefcik, what if he's really hurt?"

Me: "Guy, are you bleeding?"

Guy: "No."

Me: "Are you broken somewhere inside?"

Guy: "No."

Maris: "I'm a unicorn."

The Rest of the World: "????"

On Vocabulary....

Me:  "So, on your vocab quiz on Friday, you'll have to spell the word and know the definition and context."

General Student Outcry: "What?!! We have to SPELL the word? This is a spelling test?"

Me:  "Why would I have you learn a vocabulary word and then not care if you know how to spell it?"

George:  "We never had to spell the words last year. We had a word bank."

Me: "Well, my class is awesome. I don't know what else to tell you. You're going to learn how to spell the words. Otherwise, all of this would be useless."

Bo: "Vocabulary is useless."

Me: (outraged shock)

Me: (throw a pencil at Bo) "Vocabulary is NOT useless! It is the foundation on which our communication is built! It is what lets you speak every day!"

Bo: "Ms. Sefcik, you stabbed me in the arm!"

Me: "Oh, you're fine."

Bo: "I have a tiny pencil mark on my arm."

Me: "And let that remind you of the importance of vocabulary."

On Becoming Famous....

Prompt: If I were to become famous, I hope it would be for...

Katie:  "...being Justin Bieber's wife. Or being a soccer player."

Jamie:  "I want to beat the Japanese guy who ate the most chicken wings."

Jack:  "How come all of the food eating contest winners are Japanese?"

Jamie: "Because they're Sumo wrestlers and they gotta get that protein."

Silas:  "I'd want to be the guy in the Dos XX commercials and be the most awesome man in the world. I would be the first man to live on Mars and I would invent a revolutionary item like the Snuggie."

Brandon:  "I would want to be a rally car driver."

Bo: "Hahaha. His last name is Carr. That's funny."

Alex:  "No, it's not. It's ironic, moron."

Sophia:   "Ms. Sefcik, do you want to be famous for teaching?"

Me:  "Ahahahaahahaha. I'm sorry. Is that a thing?"

On Beginnings....

Me: "Where are you all coming from? Why are you late?"

Students: "Art class."

Me: "Make sure you leave on time tomorrow. Start on the daily writing prompt, please."

Kole: "Um, Ms. Sefcik, your trivia question should be about Nevada. Way cooler than Arizona."

Dixie: "I thought the Grand Canyon was in Nevada."

Joseph: "The Colorado River is in Colorado."

Kole: "You should do quotes. Like, from movies."

JD: "Yeah, like you could do 'Let the games begin!' You know, from the Hunger Games."

Me: "You know what I want to begin? You. Working on your writing prompt."

Students: "oooooooh, she got youuuuuuu."

On Manners....

While discussing in the "fishbowl" format (one inner circle and one outer circle), Bo has a run-in with bad manners.

Bo: "Can I tap in [to the inner circle] now?"

Me: "Sure."

Bo: (walks up to Kirsten) "Get out."

Me: "Bo! You don't just tell a lady to 'Get out.' Manners!"

Bo: (turns to Kirsten) "Thank you for getting out."

On Gender Equality....

In my history class, I made the somewhat questionable decision to allow the students to divide by gender and debate the merits of gender equality. We were studying the women's suffrage movement, and I was hoping to inspire them to rally behind Susan B. Anthony, Elizabeth Cady Stanton, and Lucretia Mott. What I got, however, was a rag-tag mix of misinformation, pointless accusations, and utterly ridiculous argument (that came along with a good laugh).

The students prepared for weeks to solidify their arguments. We watched examples of debates, opening and closing statements, and read countless documents discussing both sides of the issue. The actual debate, which thank GOD I had the foresight to videotape, went something like this:

Girl 1: First of all, women were never given the chance to go to college, so the men can't prove that men are smarter than women. They have to be on equal footing to decide something like that. Also, for voting--women think that men are actually afraid that women will take power if given the chance to vote.

Boy 1: Now. While studying this speech, I found that this woman portrayed men as monsters. HOW can you say that we were monsters when we were trying to provide for the family and keep this civilization alive? Also, we took the harder jobs, because in the time, without technology, we were chopping down wood, hunting, fishing, and doing all of this work physically. And in this time, these men were built more...buff...you could say.

Girl 2: On your "statement" (air quotes)---yeah, men were physically stronger, but who is the backbone of the house?

Boy 2: Rebuttal!

Girl 2: We cook, we clean, and we organize all the parts of your lives.

Boy 3: Men are prepared to handle a situation. MEN will stand up and HANDLE a SITUATION. Women's emotions can easily, easily interfere with their lives. Men do not have emotions.

Girl 3: That's ridiculous.

Boy 3: Exhibit A.

Girl 3: (visibly annoyed) You're an idiot.

Boy 3: Take it this way--if women were to vote, and they had strong emotions towards a candidate, or if they just had depression, they would not be able to make a right decision. Especially if a woman was in office.

Girl 4: Okay. Was this about intelligence or emotions?

Boy 2: Was I talking about intelligence or emotions? I was talking about mental ability.

Girl 4: Okay, so it's scientifically proven that men and women think differently.

Boy 2: Scientifically proven? Ms. Sefcik? Is that correct?

Ms. Sefcik: Yes, that's correct.

Boy 2: Okay, continue.

Girl 4: It's just a difference in the way the brain is wired. It doesn't mean it's any better or any worse--it's just different.

(Much cheering from the girls' side)

Boy 5: From the physical aspect, men are way stronger than women. (proceeds to read 13 Olympic track & field records, all of which compare men's to women's times, all with men having the winning times).

Girl 6: Well, first of all, it's the 1800s, and I don't know what a hurdle is.


Skip to closing arguments....


Boy: Genesis. In the Bible. It says men will be dominant over women. Also, who was the Messiah? That's right--Jesus. Who was Jesus? A guy. For example: if women only were in a forest full of blood-sucking tigers, and on the other side of the world, men only were in a forest full of blood-sucking tigers, the men would survive because we would hold an establishment to the death of us! End of argument.

Girl: So, what you're saying is that in the Bible, man is dominant over woman? Well, actually, in Genesis, he asks for a woman, so that's kind of his fault. Then, you have your argument that man would survive in a jungle full of blood-sucking tigers. Okayyy....but what proof do you have the women wouldn't survive? The way women were treated in the 1800s was kind of similar to the way the colonies were treated by the British monarchy. They didn't have a say in the laws, and we decided as a country that that was unacceptable when we rebelled against the British king. As far as emotions go, you're all reacting to what I'm saying right now, so men clearly have emotions, too.

Boy: I'm not being emotional right now. I'm just arguing my point.

Ms. Sefcik: Okay, well I think that about wraps it up.

Boy: We won, right?

Ms. Sefcik: Why don't you ask your blood-sucking tigers and then go chop some kindling?

Girls: hahahaha.

On Roasters....

J:  "Mrs. Kropp said to tell you that she needs a roaster."

Me: "What?"

J: "Mrs. Kropp needs a roaster for that class (points behind me at bookshelf)."

Me: (looking behind me at bookshelf) "What class? What are you talking about? A roaster?"

J: "You know, like a list-thingy."

Me: "A ROSTER?"

J: "Yeah."

Me: "Oh my god, Jamie, what's wrong with you?"

J: "I'm tired."

Me: "I don't think that's it."

On Life after Death....

H: "Everyone dies and then their souls go away, and then they come back in, and it's like they start over. Like they push 'reset'."

Me: "On their souls?"

A: "Yeah. Like rockination."

Me: "Reincarnation?"

A: "What's that?"

On seating assignments....

Me: (walking into study hall, passing a 4-seater table with 5 boys) “Someone is here today who wasn’t here yesterday.”

 Boy: “I told you she would notice.”

 Me: “Smooth.”

On the first day of school....

Me: “okay, we have to be prepared when we come to class. To help you remember what you need to bring, I came up with a most excellent acronym. Who’s ready to be PHAB?”

 S: (silence)

 Me: “What do you think the ‘P’ stands for?”

 K: “Pencil!”

 Me: “Yes. What does the ‘H” stand for?”

 B: “Homework!”

 Me: “Great. What does the ‘A’ stand for?”

 J: “Areselves!”

 Me: “Mmmkay…..well, you’re in the right class, because I will teach you how to spell that word correctly. But no. That’s not the ‘A'.”

On eHarmony...

Me: "Can someone use 'hobbies' in a context sentence?"

 J: "I love hobbies; some of my hobbies include horseback riding, playing sports, and collecting stamps."

 Me: "Thank you, Jamie."

 J: "…And I like long walks on the beach…"

 Me: "Okay, Jamie, that's probably enough."

 J: "I was just quoting my eHarmony profile."

On Gathering Blue (the book)...

Me: Are the artists being held captive, or are they being cared for?

 T: They are captive because they are forced to work all day, even though they are allowed to roam and see their friends.

 J: I think we're being held captive right now.

 Me: Very astute observation, Mr. Bolton.