On Wearing Clothes Right-Side Out...

In my defense, this sweater is one of those oversized wrap-around deals with lots of weird buttons around a faux cowl neck collar. And I put it on right before walking out of the house.

Riley: "Um, Ms. Sefcik, um your tag--you have shirt on inside out."

Me: "Um. No I don't."

Riley: "Look, even the seams are on the outside."

Me: (checking my shirt in confusion) "But....the buttons..."

Diane: "Look--there's a tag right there."

Me: "Huh. Oh."

Riley: "HAHAHA Ms. Sefcik has her sweater on inside-out!"

Kyle: "I was going to say something this morning, but I thought you did it on purpose, to be cool or something."

Me: "Haha, well, I am pretty cool."

Riley: "Are you going to go change?"

Me: "Eventually."

Diane: "You know, maybe you should reconsider us having to do this essay now."

Me: "Why would I reconsider that?"

Diane: "Not only do you not believe in Santa Claus, you can't even dress yourself. Maybe you shouldn't be telling us what to do."

Me: "Um, nice try."

I leave the students in the librarian's capable hands and go to the main office bathroom to switch my sweater.

Me: "Are you both ready to laugh?"

Receptionist 1: "Oh yes!"

Receptionist 2: "Sure--what happened?"

Me: "It was just pointed out to me that my sweater is on inside out."

(both look at my sweater for a second, confused, then I pull on the cleaning instruction tag sticking out from my side)

Receptionist 2: "Oh my gosh! That is too funny! How did that happen?"

Me: "I've only ever worn this once before, and I must have hung it up inside out on the hanger. I threw it on and ran out the door, never looked at it once, and assumed I had buttoned it correctly."

Receptionist 1: "Well, it looks reversible, like the material is the same on the inside and outside."

Me: "Well, I'm going to fix it."

I walk toward the bathroom and hear:

Principal: "Hey, Stephanie, wait!"

I turn around, thinking oh my jeez, what if this is somehow a violation of the dress code or something? to find him holding his iPhone up, wanting to take a picture. I'm sure this will be in its own section of the Yearbook on a page entitled something like "Ms. Sefcik--General Life Failures."

On Santa....

Diane: "You're going to have my little sister next year."

Me; "I already have her in study hall."

Diane: "Oh yeah. She told me she doesn't like you."

Me: "Well, none of them like me because I don't let them talk."

Brandon: "I loved your study hall, Ms. Sefcik."

Diane: "They don't like her because she hates Santa Claus."

Me: "I do not hate Santa Claus!"

Diane: "And she doesn't believe in him."

Me: "I never said that!"

Diane: "Nobody likes a Scrooge, Ms. Sefcik."

On Events of Historical Importance....

Me: "Next is the Missouri Compromise. Does anyone know anything about the Missouri Compromise?"

Nate: "They're compromising to be land from the mexicans. From the mexican territories."

Me: "It has something to do with slavery. Does that ring any bells?"

Greg: "Indians."

Me: "No, not indians. Slavery."

Greg: "Oh, we took notes on this--it has something to do with---oh crud. Tartar sauce."

Kate: "How do you spell Missouri?"

Eric: "M-I-Z-Z-O-U--"

Kate: "That's Mizzou, not Missouri."

Me: "In 1828, there was the Tariff of Abominations."

Kyle: (wide-eyed) "Abominations?"

Me: "Oh yes."

Greg: "Coolest name ever."

Me: "Haha. If it was the Tariff of 'Abdominations,' they would be taxing people for having rock-hard abs!"

(pause)

Greg: "I don't get it."

Me: "Moving on."

On Using In-Class Dictionaries and Revelations....

Kyle: "What do you call that?" (points to something on his computer screen)

Harrison: "A .gif? (pronounced 'giff')"

Kyle: "Is that how you say it?"

Alli: "No, I think it's 'jiff.'"

Kate: "I thought it was 'G-I-F.'"

Harrison: "Well, duh, that's how it's spelled, yeah."

Alli: "They're never pronounced how they're spelled, idiot."

Harrison: "Ms. Sefcik! She called me an idiot!"

Kate: "Hahaha Ms. Sefcik doesn't care."

On the First Day Back....

Maggie: "Are you going to try not to be sick this week, Ms. Sefcik?"

Me: "I wasn't sick last week. I told you I was going to a conference in Las Vegas."

Maggie: "Uh huh, yeah, well just try not to be sick anymore."

Me: "....."




Greg: "When are our outlines due?"

Me: "It says right here--see? Thursday the 29th."

Greg: "When is that?"

Me: "This Thursday. The 29th."

Greg: "WHAT?!!!!"

Me: "Greg, you've had this assignment sheet for two weeks. It's just an outline."

Brad: "What's an outline, again?"

Me: "You know what an outline is."

Brad: "Ummm."

Me: "You guys. Tell me you know what an outline is."

Molly: "Um. Kind of."

Chris: "Not really."

Kate: "Isn't that where you write the paragraphs, but, like, they're not really paragraphs?"

Me: (mouth hanging open) "....."

Librarian: (looking at me and feeling the need to intervene) "Do you want me to give a five-minute lesson on outlines?"

Me: (snapping out of it) "Yes, that would be lovely."





Jack: "Ms. Sefcik?"

Me: "Yes?" (I turn to find that Jack has pulled both of his arms inside his shirt, leaving his sleeve holes sticking straight out and empty)

Jack: "I have an excuse. I can't type. And I can't eat, so I'm really hungry."

Me: "That's terrible."

Jack: "Also, my nub-holes are really cold."

On My Welcome Back...

Yesterday, I had to leave school at 9am to go to a doctor to get my tonsil looked at--it had experienced a bit of trauma and needed some help. They ended up taking half of it out in the office, so I did not return to school as I was expecting. This meant that I left not only my coat, but also my school keys, on my desk. I began the morning by knocking on the locked doors at the back of the academic building, then borrowing keys to get into my room.

Me; "Good morning."

Riley: "MS SEFCIK! OMG YOU'RE BACK DO YOUR TONSILS HURT OMG HOW ARE YOU TALKING CAN YOU TALK AT ALL OMG!!!"

Me: "Um, yes."

Grace: "

Today was the last day of grammar presentations--saving the best for last, we had frequently confused words on the docket today.

Jo: "So yeah,

(this is a shot of his powerpoint)

Me: "Okay, those definitions are a little bit confusing. Does anyone understand the difference between when to use 'lie' and when to use 'lay'?"

James: "Not really."

Kayla: "Uhhhhhhh...."

Me: "Okay, I have an easy trick for you, and it's going to be funny, so get ready to laugh."

Students all perk up immediately.

Me: "Are you ready to laugh?"

Class: "Yeah."

Me: "Okay. People 'lie'.....objects get 'laid.'"

Class: "Hahahaha"

Parker: "Ms. Sefcik, I beg to differ!"

Me: "I know, but watch this--I would 'lie' on the floor, but I will 'lay' this book on the microwave."

Zack: "So...that book just got laid on the microwave?"

Jake: "Haha Awesome."

Me: "So how many people are going to remember the difference now?"

Kate: "I can probably remember that."

On Random Little Practical Jokes....

Hmm, I thought as I waited for my class to come into the room. I am feeling a bit mischievous today. What can I do to have some fun? I wonder....one of my softball girls is a real character and she is up to present her grammar project today. She handed me her flash drive and I plugged it into my computer.

Wow, that is really plain. No colors, just text. I can probably fix that really quickly. I do some magic on the computer (which really just means I clicked on a theme color) and Lane passed out her handouts.

Lane: (turns to screen) "Whoa! Why is that colorful? I didn't color that."

Me: (whispering to Lane's friend, Katie) "Haha, I did that."

Katie: (whispering) "You colored it?"

Me: (whispering) "Haha yeah."

Katie: (whispering) "Awesome. Tell her at the end!"

Lane: "Okay an example of an action verb is 'I cleaned my locker.' Action verb is 'cleaned' and object is 'locker' because you're cleaning...the locker. I never turned this purple...I don't know how this happened."

Me: "I don't know. Sometimes, things just happen."

On Chucking....

"How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood....in the wintertime?"

"42."

"What? No--they hibernate in the wintertime."

"They do not hibernate in the wintertime."

"Well, you don't see them out anywhere."

"Where do you see them out in the summer time?"

"So they would eat less."

"Why would they eat less when it's colder--they need to stay warm."

"No, it would be none, because they don't actually eat wood."

"Okay, fine. How much wood would a termite eat if a termite was eating wood."

"How could you possibly measure what a termite eats?"

"I don't know...lay out a couple of boards and see how much is left?"

"Huh. Yeah, that makes sense."

"I bet a termite could destroy a beaver in a fight."

"No way, man, beavers are scrappy."

On Vocab Quizzes....

On Vocab Quiz Day: 

Me: "Okay, things are going to change around here. Since you all are determined to act like first-graders, I'm going to treat you like first-graders." (I hold up a small stack of post-it notes) "These are post-it notes. If you misbehave in class, I will write your name on a post-it note and stick it on my calendar. If you get your name on a post-it, you have lunch duty. If you get two post-its in a week, you have silent lunch. If you get three, you have two hours (demerits)."

James: "Wait! What gets us on a post-it note?"

Me: "Great question--if, for example, you find yourself lying, crawling, or sprawling on the floor in the middle of class, your name will go on a post-it note. If you launch a projectile across the room, your name will go on a post-it note. If you happen to blurt out a stream of consciousness in a Tourette's-like outburst, expect to see your name on a post-it."

Student: "What?"

Me: "Just do what you're supposed to do and you'll be fine. Get out a sheet of paper and a pen or pencil."

(flurry of activity)

Rachel: "Wait! What is this?" (looks around in panic and confusion)

Me: (sitting at the front with my vocab book, I pick up a pen and mark which words will be the context words)

Rachel: (staring at me in panic) "Am I going on the post-it note? Don't tell my mom!"

Me: "This is your vocab quiz. I could tell your mother, I suppose, but I'm not sure it will do you any good right now."

Daniel: "Where are my note cards?"

Me: "Daniel. We're starting the quiz. You don't need your note cards. Okay, #1--Assurance......#2--Asylum......#3--Console.......#4--Dilate....."

(Kate shoots her hand into the air)

Me: "Kate?"

Kate: "Can you repeat #5?"

Me: "I haven't said #5 yet."

Jack: "You know in a spelling bee? Why is it called a spelling bee?"

Hannah: "Yeah, and why do you get a 'ding' if it's incorrect? Should a 'ding' be, like, for correct answers?"

Me: "Are you serious right now? We are taking this quiz and no amount of tomfoolery is going to stop us! #5--Dross...."

Kate: "Can you repeat it?"

Jack: "Yeah, can you spell it?"

Me: "Okay. NOW you're on a post-it note."

Kate/Jack: "OOOOOhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhrrrgghhhsnnnn."

And later, while grading: 

On Quiet Mornings and Anxiety Pills....

Sam: "Our advisory is boring today because everyone's being quiet."

Ann: "Someone be not quiet."

Sam: "I have been! I've been, like, screaming over here, and Sophie is just sitting there staring at me."

Two girls go to the board and start drawing something that looks like a cartoon face with spiky hair, but then turned out to be an homage to a popular oceanic cartoon:

Ann: "Ms. Sefcik, you're not being fun."

Me: "What? What do you want from me?"

Brad: "We want you to do something!"

Me: "You know, most people in my life aren't mean to me."

Layne: "Really? I find that hard to believe."

Sam: "Most teachers, I would be afraid to pester them about feeding sheep, but we're best friends."

Me: "We're not friends."

Layne: "Uh, I think you should reconsider that, seeing as we're the only friends you have."

Me: "Hahaha. You're hilarious."

Brad: "Ms. Sefcik, on my final exam, I'm going to draw a sheep. You know. Because of your Farmville."



This morning, I was making my fairly frequent Smoothie King stop when the guy behind the counter asked me where I work.

"I'm a teacher," I said, "At Battle Ground Academy down the road."

"Ohh," he said, "I know what you need."  He reached around the counter and brought up a box of:

Me: "Hmm....why yes. I think I will buy those."

On Embarrassing Songs I Sing....

When I was in sixth grade, I had a really hard time remembering all of the names and dates I needed to know from European history (all the Louie's and Henry's) and such, so I put my notes to a Britney Spears song ("Hit Me Baby One More Time," if I remember correctly).  To make my history students a little more invested in learning our new unit, I thought it would be fun to give them an assignment reminiscent of my Britney/Notes compilation. Like any good teacher, of course I had to model this assignment first, which is where the ridiculous came in. And it follows:

Thursday, 10:20pm: I begin recording my song, having pulled up the karaoke version on youtube.

Thursday, 10:26pm: Roommate sends me this message--

Thursday, 10:45pm: Roommate and I are hysterical as we listen to "attempt #1." We decide unanimously that I should record "attempt #2."

Thursday, 11:28pm: I am finally satisfied (and just worn down) that I have something acceptable to be heard by my students. I have accepted the fact that they will most likely ridicule anything I bring in.

Friday, 9:50am: I debut this song to mixed acclaim:

"My Bank" by Stephanie Sefcik (music by the Black Eyed Peas)



Here are the lyrics, in case you want to follow along.

“My Bank”

What you gon’ do bout all that debt?

All that debt after the war?

I’ma make, make, make, make some cash

Make some cash from my new bank.

My bank, my bank, my bank, my bank, my bank.

My bank, my bank, my bank, my bank, my bank. (Check it out)

Ole G ‘Dub got me spendin’

My homie’s on the Benjamin,

I need to fix this crisis,

And lower all the prices.

TJ and James Madison

John Jay and George Washington

Harpin, they be

My patience—it be wearin’ thin,

So Congress, I ain’t askin,

I need a bank real quick and then

Gonna print me some dough

Keep the tax on the downlow

So I made the bank

And now I’m still makin bank

An’ I can keep on printing

My bills I print earn interest in

My bank, my bank, my bank, my bank

You just can’t help but use

My bank, my bank, my bank

My bank, it’s got you

He got us spending,

(Oh) Spendin’ all your taxes on me

and buying bonds from me.

He’s got a charter

(Oh) Just for 20 years,

a charter, a charter

What you gon’ do with all that gold?

All that gold inside your hold?

I’ma loan, loan, loan, loan it out

Loan it out to the rich folk.

What you gon' do with all that stock?

All $10 million of that stock?

I'ma make, make, make, make you buy

Make you buy, make you buy

Cos of my debt, my debt, my debt, my debt (what)

And you will have no choice

I'm a monopoly (federal)

I'm just a guy, trying to make law

My name is T, T, T-J, let's go.

I got slaves, and lots of money

Let's talk foreign countries.

I like France, and I buy their stuff,

Frenchie, Frenchie imports

I like France, and I buy their stuff, 

Frenchie imports riiight.

They say I am a hypocrite 

But I just have opinions and

They always judging what I say

Can't decide on just one way

Gotta run my farm--

I don't want to do no harm

I can write and I can speak 

I lost to Adams and I 

Want to win it

Want to, want to win it

I'ma win this, you can't stop the TJ

So just vote for the man

Democrat-Republican

I'm just running government

to win the vote.

The vote to make me win.

I'm gonna be the man

The Presidential man

BAM!

On More Non-Sequiturs....

Me: "Will you be playing softball this year?"

Kate: "Yeah. I don't want to be in the outfield this year though."

Me: "Well, why don't you just tell Coach that?"

Megan: "Hahaha, Anything with smoke coming out of the back of it is funny!"

Me and Kate: "?????"



In class, during a grammar presentation:

Jim: (reading his example sentence "I like to play basketball on the court," the girl said.) "I like to play on the basketball and the girl--argh!"

(class laughs)

Jim: "I mean, I like to play on the girl--ARGH!"

(class laughs harder)

Jim: "I like basketball! I don't like girls!"

(class in hysterics)

Jim: "I'm not talking any more."

On Students Teaching....

For this year's grammar unit, I decided to do something different and borrowed a unit from a friend who teaches in Virginia: have the students teach each other about a particular grammar topic! What an awesome and revolutionary idea. Here's what happened today....

Dixie: "Okay, Jack and Jamie come to the board. Write 2 sentences using pronouns. One has to be nominative and one has to be objective. Underline the pronoun in your sentences."

Jamie: (writes on board) Justin Bieber loves Jamie.

Dixie: "There's no pronoun in that sentence."

Jamie: (erases "Jamie") Justin Bieber loves her.

Dixie: "Okay."

Jack: (writes on board) Justin Bieber loves him.

Me: "Guys, you wrote two sentences that look identical, so is it possible for one of those pronouns to be nominative and one to be objective?"

Jack: "Um, no."

Dixie: "You have to erase one of them."

Jamie: "Well, that's awkward."

Jack: (erases the second sentence. begins again.) Ryan Gosling li--

Me: "Nooope."

Jack: "But you didn't even know what I was going to say!"

Dixie: "The nominative has to be the subject, so if you start with 'Ryan Gosling,' then it's obviously not going to be the subject."

Jack: "Okay."

Kyle: (from the other side of the room) "Can I throw this away?" (holds up candy wrapper from prize he won five minutes ago)

Dixie: "Yeah, sure, throw it away!"

Zach: "Hey, Ms. Dixie? He's distracting me."

Dixie: "Oh my god. You guys. Pay attention."

Me: "Not so easy being the teacher, right?"

Dixie: "Ms. Sefcik--you have NO IDEA!"

(meanwhile, on the board)

Kevin: He likes to yell at his golden llama "Onwar Oishima!"

Dixie: "Okay, the game is over."

Kevin: "No, wait!"

Me: "Thank you, Kevin."

Dixie: "It's OVER!"

Jack: "I only got one piece of candy. Can I get some more?"

Dixie: "Animals. I give up."

Me: "ha. ha. ha."