On Family Matters...

So, it's spring break, I'm home with the family, and things....are


Shake Weight
Mom: Look at this new weight I got!

Stacey: You bought a shake weight?

Me: Hahaha when are you going to use that?

Mom: I'll use it all the time.

Me: I doubt that. How much do you use your other exercise equipment? When's the last time you hung upside down on that inversion table.

Mom: You should see other women my age. Plus, it says six minutes a day equals 45 minutes of using dumbbells at the gym.

Me: Yeah, you're fit. But I don't think you'll use the shake weight.

Stacey: No one can look good doing that.

Me: There was a group of kids who came to school in Harlem Globetrotters costumes and carrying shake weights. They were the Harlem Shake. hahahaha, get it?

Mom: Here--there's a DVD that goes with it. Look, I'll put it in right now.

(DVD with an unbelievable buff guy named "Matusse" begins)

DVD: Stand ready with your hips stable and your feet hip-distance apart...

Mom: (assumes the position) See? I can do this.

DVD: grasp the weight firmly in front of your chest and shake it vigorously back and forth.

Mom: (after approx. 35 seconds) Ugh. I can't do this anymore.

Me: What?! You've got 5 and half minutes to go!

Mom: I'm working my way up to it.

(leaves room)

Me: (pick up weight) Whatever. I bet I could do this. (shaking weight above my head)

Stacey: Hahaha you look like an idiot.

Me: (making a face and shaking it in front of my chest with both hands before promptly hitting myself in the face) ARGHhhhh!

Stacey: Ahahahahahaha--

Me: Ow.

Stacey: --hahahahahaahahahahaha

(later)

Me: (holding up the direction sheet) Did you know this comes with directions?

Stacey: What does it say?

Me: It says I'm an idiot.

Should have read this first.

You, too, can glisten like this guy.

Later that night, we came together to discuss the renovations we're doing on the cabin in Canada, which so far has led to tears, frustration,

Mom: Can someone go get more Reese's peanut butter cups? Cause I think we're gonna need 'em.

Stacey: Did you have too much to drink?

Dad: Yeah, too much raspberry lemonade.

Stacey: Okay, do you like the plank-style Hardiboard for the siding?

Mom: I like that, but not too green. I don't want it to be too green.

Stacey: Okay.

Mom: I think I'm gonna need foot surgery.

(I go to soundsleeping.com and put on the creek/thunderstorm mixer, which pipes delightful nature sounds through my computer...essentially taking me to my happy place.)

Dad: Turn that off.

Me: No. I find it relaxing.

(I sip my chai tea through a big pink straw)

Stacey: Ugh, how can you drink through those giant straws?

Mom: We'll buy more straws! I told you we would get more.

Me: I am impervious to your attempts to drag me from my happy place.

Mom: (in the silverware drawer) Who needs a straw? I have more in here.

Stacey: No one needs a straw.

Me: Da-da-nah-nahhhh! Fork!


And later...while looking at faucets on Home Depot, Mom sits down to search for vanities.

Mom: Here, can this computer Google? (points to the Home Depot faucet page)

Stacey: No, it can only Home Depot.

On Tax Refunds....

My class was working in the library on Thursday, writing essays, doing like we do, when I happened to log on to Wells Fargo to check my bank account and--

Me: "Woooooooo!"

Students: (shocked, look at me)

Me: (double fist pump) "I just got my tax refund!"

Jake: "Your what?"

Me: "My tax refund, YEAH!"

Kate: "Ms. Sefcik! This is the library!"

Me: "But I--(dance around)--got my--(jump move)--tax--refunnnnnndddd!"

Greg: "So what does that mean?"

Me: "It means the government gave me money."

Sara: "Whoa! The government just gave you money? For free?"

Me: "Well, I mean, I paid the money in, but now they're giving it back to me."

Kate: "So, why did you pay more than you had to?"

Me: "Well.....I had to pay that then, and then I got to take deductions, so they recalculate what I owe--"

Greg: "Deductions? Wait, what do you mean they recalculated it?"

Me: "Okay, this is not..."

Kate: "So really, you just got back what you had already paid to begin with? That's it?"

Me: (frowny face) "This is supposed to be exciting. Really."

Me: Write the prompt oon the board please

Prompt What do you know about Benjamin Franklin? Make a list!

George: "Was Benjamin Frnaklin the guy with all of the bad diseases?

Me: "Do you mean syphilis? Yeah. He had the syph."

Jack: "How do you spell syphilis?"

Kylie: "What did you say? He was ticklish?"

George: "No, SYPHILIS."

Nate: (on a beat) "Syphilis, syph-, syph-, syph-, syphilis!"

On Guessing....

Diane: "What are we supposed to be doing right now?"

Me: "Work on your paper and find sources."

Diane: "What does that mean? I don't know what to do."

Me: "Well, what have you done so far?"

Diane: "I need some more info, because I'm trying to make my outline, but I don't have enough info yet."

Me: "Okay.

Diane: "Noooo?! The project's due in 10 days. And Santa's coming to town."

Me: "......"

oh my gosh. Emily felt my head and she says I have a fever. I can kinda feel it."

Me: "......." 

Diane: "It's okay, though. Okay. A: My first question is what do we put in our introduction?"

Pete: "Ms. Sefcik? Me and Kole are twins. We think the exact same--"

Kole: "Potatoes."

(silence)

Me: "Was that supposed to finish his sentence?"

Kole: "I took a chance."

On the iPad cart...

Me: "Okay, we're working with the iPads today, but I need everyone to be really, really careful because Mr. Propper's class is using them and they need to go in the exact same slots on the cart. Oh! I know--I'll put sticky notes on each slot when you take them so that you know where to put them back."

(I proceed to painstakingly write out sticky notes for each iPad, hand them out one at a time, and organize all of the chargers on the cart)

(30 minutes later)

Me: "Oh my god! Who left this iPad on top of the cart? Whose is this?" (looking around--confused--because everyone seems to still have an iPad) "Someone put this here--who is missing an iPad?"

Layne: "It wasn't me."

Rich: "Well, I went to put mine back, but someone else's was already in my spot, so I put my first one back somewhere else."

Me: "What?!" 

Katie: "Well, Rich's was in my spot, so I moved his and put mine back, but then I needed another one, so I took one that was already on there."

Me: "Ok....so which one is this?"

Students: "............."

Me: "Did you people not notice that I was labeling all of these spots with your names? Didn't you think that was important?"

Post-it notes labeling student slots

Katie: "Ummm...."

Me: "Okay, just pay attention to where you're putting them."

Grace: "Ms. Sefcik? Can our essay be due after spring break? Pleeeeeease?"

Me: "Haha no."

Grace: "But we have soooooo many tests this weeeeeek."

Me: "You would NOT be happy if you had to write an essay over spring break. Trust me."

Carrie: "No, I promise, we would love you!"

Me: "If you guys would stop arguing with me about the due date and just write the essay, you would be halfway done already." 

Grace: "But Ms. Seffffciikkkkkkk, pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee--"

Me: "No! N-O!"

Grace: "--eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease!"

Me: "Grace. It is two pages. Double-spaced."

Grace: "Yeah, but--"

Me: "And I gave you an outline that is LITERALLY a full page long. So all you have to do is write one extra page to fill in the outline."

Grace: (ponders for a moment) "But pleeeeeeeease!"

(meanwhile, in the front of the room)

 I killed one.

Me: "You okay there?"

Katie: "Ms. Sefcik, I can't think anymore. My brain hurts."

Me: "Eh, that just means it's on and working." 

(ten minutes later)

Tate: "Ms. Sefcik, look! We built a Fort of Knowledge!"

Me: "Is that really necessary?"

Tate: "Yes! I can only write my essay in the Fort of Knowledge."

Me: "Go and boil your bottoms, you sons of silly persons!"

Tate: "huh?"

Katie: "What?"

Me: "Spamalot."

(stares)

Me: "No? No Spamalot fans? Okay, then."

Fort of Knowledge

On Non-Boyfriends and Dating...

Layne: "Attention, everyone. Ms. Sefcik has a boyfriend, and we have not had an advisory discussion about this."

Allison: "Ahhhhhhhhhh!"

Me: "I don't have a boyfriend."

Layne: "Okay, well, Ms. Sefcik is dating someone."

Reagan: "I want pictures."

Me: "You get nothing."

Layne: "AHA! That's not a denial! I told you she has a boyfriend."

Me: "I don't have a boyfriend. How do you people even know about this, anyway?"

Layne: "Taylor."

Reagan: "Dating is the same as having a boyfriend."

Me: "Only in middle school."

Layne: (goes and grabs Taylor) "Taylor! Come hear about Ms. Sefcik's mystery man friend."

Me: "We are not discussing this."

Taylor: "When are you seeing him again?"

Me: "This weekend."

Taylor: "You have a date this weekend? I'm going to the movies, too! Maybe I'll see you there!"

Me: (thinking how hilarious it is that a date automatically equals the movies)

Kyle: "Maybe he's not even real."

Steve: "Did you meet him at the dog park?"

Kyle: "Ms. Sefcik, are you dating Zephyr?"

Me: "Oh ha ha. You're hilarious. Because I'm dating my dog."

Kyle: "I knew it!"

Allison: "That's so mean."

Me: "It's fine. This is ridiculous. New topic. Who likes zombies?"

Steve: "I LOVE ZOMBIES! Raaarrhhhhhhh."

Me: "Yes. Excellent. Talk about that."

Eric: "If I got bitten by a zombie, would you kill me, or would you let me live?"

Steve: "If you got bitten but were still alive, I'd shoot you in the face."

Eric: "what if we were locked in the same room and you didn't know that i was bitten but i was a zombie and i got up and i was all "ALGhhalalrrrlahh"

Kyle: "that's like in the Walking dead, the girl died and she's sitting there and she's all 'aww' and patting her face, and then she's like 'arrrgghhahhalllahahhh'"

Greg: "I'd shoot you all in the face. you know. if you were zombies."

Eric: "I love zombies, period!"