On Why Bathrooms Have Locks....

Spent all last week with the 7th graders in the woods of Brevard, NC (just outside Asheville). It is actually the precise location of where the filming of The Hunger Games took place, and I'd like to think that I starred in my own version of the Hunger Games last week....minus the hunger, plus about 50 more kids. My costars?

Daniel K...........Child Wrangler/Economy Van Driver
Dennis..............Keeper of the Skittles
Daniel B...........Fire Spinning Lion Tamer
Ally..................Funshine Care Bear/Unicorn Handler/Magical Caffeine Dispenser

And the students:

ML..................KlutzMaster of Disaster
CB...................My Spastic MiniMe
CW..................The Quiet One
JW...................What's That Again?
AH..................The Pharmacy
MK..................Dude
MR..................Sweet Guy Posing as Tough Guy
GL...................Chatty Kathy
NF...................Waaaaaaaaaaay Out of Her Comfort Zone
CP...................Giggles
ES....................The Walking Red Cross Tent


Initial Excitement
We backpacked out the first night at camp. To give you an idea, the base camp is set up with a bunch of tents in a field. On one end, there is a camp fire circle covered with tarps--that is where the caffeine and food come from. On the other end, there is a small, concrete bathroom with latrine-style toilets (1 men's and 1 women's).

Campfire Side on far end.

To go out to the backcountry, as it is called, one must first pack one's tent, sleeping bag, sleeping pad, group food, and clothing in a backpack. Of course, my group did not even get half packed before a food explosion occurred in someone's pack. A giant baggie full of orange Gatorade mix created a small hurricane of dust that settled all over this poor girl's clothes as well as several unfortunate people's tents/cooking utensils. Let me tell you something about Gatorade powder--that shit gets everywhere. I'm talking every single crevice covered in powder. If it would have rained at that moment, it is very likely that at least one of us may have gotten to experience the thrill of those athletes in the Gatorade commercials who literally sweat orange Gatorade. It may have been awesome. 

After shaking out everything in the bag, repacking the supplies, and restocking on Gatorade powder, we were on our way in the van. With minimal effort, I managed to convince my entire group that it would be very cool and not at all lame to attempt to recreate the Harvard Baseball team's rendition of "Call Me Maybe" when our fearless leaders, Dennis and Daniel, asked us all to put "knuckles up for buckles up" on the roof of the van. 

Me: "Hey guys. Look at me. Who am I?" (imitating the Call Me Maybe dance with my fists)

ML: "A crazy T-rex!"

Me: "No." (still excited) "Hey, I just met you.....and this is CRAAAAZY..."

CB: "And here's my numberrrrrr......so call me baby."

Me: "GIRRRL, oh no she did NOT just say BABY!"

JW: "It's maybe."

CB: "I meant 'maybe'! I meant 'maybe'!"

(Daniel and Dennis preparing to enter van after securing backpacks to trailer)

Me: "Guys, seriously. We have to do this. Everybody participate." 

MK: "I don't want to do it."

Me: "It will be hilarious. Just do it. Stop whining."

Group: "Hey, I just met you....and this is crazy.....so here's my number.....CALL ME MAYBE!!!!!"

Me: "That was awesome."

CB: "Not really."

Me: "You're wrong."

I climbed this:

Abnormally Large Body Parts 

Upon entering the woods after picking up our backpacks, we managed to make it approximately twenty yards before two kids had to stop and tie shoes, and a variety of other little mishaps prevented us from moving. When we got to a clearing about 40 min later, we had the task of coming up with our group name. 

Daniel: "Okay. While Dennis is scouting our campsite a little bit ahead of us, we need to come up with a group name that the other groups will call us during our big campfire later this week. Does anyone have any ideas?"

AH: "The Fantastic Fourteen."

CB: "Wolf pack."

CW: "Howling Owls."

ES: "I don't know."

MK: "The Big Calves."

Me: "Like cows?"

(rest of students: "hahahahahahaha")

MK: "No, like calves--on your legs." 

(rest of students: "ahahahahahahaha")

(Daniel and Me: shrug.)

Daniel: "Okay, let's keep going."

GL: "The Big Triceps."

NF: "The Freaking Falcons."

Me: "What about the Streaking Falcons?"

NF: "No! Then people are going to think we're streaking, like, with our clothes off!"

Me: "Okay, sorry! Mine is Ninja Penguins!"

MR: "Bonzai."

Daniel: "Alright, let's vote on one of the top four that got the most noise. It's going to come down to.....The Fantastic Fourteen..."

(some raised hands)

Daniel: "The Big Calves..."

(lots of raised hands

Daniel: "Ninja Penguins..."

(zero raised hands)

Daniel: "Annnnd, The Freaking Falcons."

(some raised hands)

Daniel: "The Big Calves it is, then."

General Outcry: "Woooohooooooo! Yeahhhh!"

Now, let's just say, I had no idea at that point why they wanted to be The Big Calves so much (and I'm still actually a little fuzzy on the inside-joke details that prompted that decision), but I will say that Dennis, Daniel, and myself all have fairly sizable calves and absolutely ZERO of the students have anything resembling calves on their skinny little twig legs. Nevertheless, they made up a quite catchy song that went something like this: 

"1, 2, we have big calves! 3, 4, we have big calves! 5, 6, we have big calves! 7, 8, we have big calves! 9, 10, we have triceps!" (and repeat)

They sang this as a marching chant whenever we moved anywhere as a group, which I'm sure created heaps of confusion for anyone watching their chopstick legs and arms pass by. 

My tent:

The Most Embarrassing Moment of my Teaching Career

Sooo...for those of you with ADD, you may have missed the part above where I described the bathroom facilities at this particular camp. One cement latrine-style toilet for each of the sexes. When shared between 100 people, there can be quite a long line at some points. Even so, it is leaps and bounds better than the toilet situation in the backwoods area, which is to say, nonexistent. 

There is actually a "poop kit" that consists of toilet paper, a brown bag, and Excalibur, a bright orange beach shovel. You use Excalibur to dig a poop hole and pack out your toilet paper. EWWWWWW! Do I even need to mention that when I go on this trip, I don't poop for three days. It's like my body sees Excalibur and says, "Noooope. No thank you. Not happening. No poop for you."

So this year, when I found out I was going on the backpacking trip the first night, I figured I was home-free. I thought my backcountry bathroom worries would be all gone. Did not realize that the worst thing would be waiting for me right at that stupid cement latrine. 

It was after evening meeting one night and we were all getting ready for the camp fire. I, being a responsible adult, forgot my flashlight, so I was stumbling around the field, following the lights of some of the students. I managed to find the bathroom, where three girls were standing outside, waiting for one who was in the Women's bathroom. 

Me: "Hi girls. Are you all waiting to use the bathroom?"

Girl: "No, we're just waiting for someone in there."

Me: "Is anyone in the Men's room?"

Girl: "No."

Me: "Oh, well, then, I'll just go in there and we'll be done twice as fast! And then I can walk back with you because I don't have a flashlight!"

Girl: "Okay."

Me: (open the men's room door, quite satisfied with my plan)

From the Darkness in the Men's Room: "AHHHHRRRHGGHHHhhhhhhhHHHHH!" (scream of anguish)

Me: "WHOA! Sorry!" (slam door shut/throw up arms/turn around)

(silence)

Me: "It's dark, you know, so I didn't see anything."

(silence)

Me: "Austin? Why didn't you lock the door?"

Austin: "I didn't know the door had a lock." 

(silence)

(Austin walks out of bathroom)

Me: "Austin? Next time, lock the door."

Austin: "Yeah."

(awkward silence)

Girl: "That was embarrassing."

Me: "Yeah."