Shake Weight
Mom: Look at this new weight I got!
Stacey: You bought a shake weight?
Me: Hahaha when are you going to use that?
Mom: I'll use it all the time.
Me: I doubt that. How much do you use your other exercise equipment? When's the last time you hung upside down on that inversion table.
Mom: You should see other women my age. Plus, it says six minutes a day equals 45 minutes of using dumbbells at the gym.
Me: Yeah, you're fit. But I don't think you'll use the shake weight.
Stacey: No one can look good doing that.
Me: There was a group of kids who came to school in Harlem Globetrotters costumes and carrying shake weights. They were the Harlem Shake. hahahaha, get it?
Mom: Here--there's a DVD that goes with it. Look, I'll put it in right now.
(DVD with an unbelievable buff guy named "Matusse" begins)
DVD: Stand ready with your hips stable and your feet hip-distance apart...
Mom: (assumes the position) See? I can do this.
DVD: grasp the weight firmly in front of your chest and shake it vigorously back and forth.
Mom: (after approx. 35 seconds) Ugh. I can't do this anymore.
Me: What?! You've got 5 and half minutes to go!
Mom: I'm working my way up to it.
(leaves room)
Me: (pick up weight) Whatever. I bet I could do this. (shaking weight above my head)
Stacey: Hahaha you look like an idiot.
Me: (making a face and shaking it in front of my chest with both hands before promptly hitting myself in the face) ARGHhhhh!
Stacey: Ahahahahahaha--
Me: Ow.
Stacey: --hahahahahaahahahahaha
(later)
Me: (holding up the direction sheet) Did you know this comes with directions?
Stacey: What does it say?
Me: It says I'm an idiot.
Should have read this first.
You, too, can glisten like this guy.
Later that night, we came together to discuss the renovations we're doing on the cabin in Canada, which so far has led to tears, frustration,
Mom: Can someone go get more Reese's peanut butter cups? Cause I think we're gonna need 'em.
Stacey: Did you have too much to drink?
Dad: Yeah, too much raspberry lemonade.
Stacey: Okay, do you like the plank-style Hardiboard for the siding?
Mom: I like that, but not too green. I don't want it to be too green.
Stacey: Okay.
Mom: I think I'm gonna need foot surgery.
(I go to soundsleeping.com and put on the creek/thunderstorm mixer, which pipes delightful nature sounds through my computer...essentially taking me to my happy place.)
Dad: Turn that off.
Me: No. I find it relaxing.
(I sip my chai tea through a big pink straw)
Stacey: Ugh, how can you drink through those giant straws?
Mom: We'll buy more straws! I told you we would get more.
Me: I am impervious to your attempts to drag me from my happy place.
Mom: (in the silverware drawer) Who needs a straw? I have more in here.
Stacey: No one needs a straw.
Me: Da-da-nah-nahhhh! Fork!
And later...while looking at faucets on Home Depot, Mom sits down to search for vanities.
Mom: Here, can this computer Google? (points to the Home Depot faucet page)
Stacey: No, it can only Home Depot.
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