Today, we administered the Readistep PSAT test (basically a practice version of the PSAT). Looking at my schedule, where 30 minutes was allotted for filling out the answer sheets, I thought to myself, 'no way they'll take 30 whole minutes to fill these things out....we are going to be so ahead!' What a poor, ignorant shmuck I am, thinking that this would be easy. Little did I know...
Me: "Does everyone have a calculator and pencil? I now have to read you all this incredibly boring set of instructions so that all of you have an equal testing environment. To make this dull task more exciting for me, I will pretend we are on an airplane." (clear my throat and hoist a fake smile on my face) "Welcome! Testing will begin in a few minutes. Place all personal possessions under your chair (miming putting books under chair in a Vanna-White-ish gesture). If you have an alarm watch, cell phone (hold invisible phone to ear) or beeper (pull out imaginary belt), turn if off so that it will not disturb other students (thumbs up)."
....after 10 or so minutes....
Me: "I'm now a wicked witch who lives in a candy house in the magical, yet dark, jungle. (cackling) EEEEhhhheeeee, my pretties! Turn the answer folder so that the page with NAME at the top is facing you. Responses to the Grade Average and Ethnicity questions will be used to conduct research."
Katie: "Do I put 'Other'?"
Me: "You put 'white.'"
Katie: "But I'm Irish."
Me: "You're white."
Jake: "I don't think I can be defined by a color, Ms. Sefcik."
Me: "Seriously? You want to be all philosophical now, in the middle of a standardized test, but when I ask you to talk about race relations in history class, it's all silence. Nice. Ahem--Complete section 5. Fill in the matching circles for your grade average. Are there any questions?"
(five hands go up)
Me: "Ughhhnngh. Moving on. Please write your address in section 6 and fill in the corresponding circles below."
Fae: "Do I write the number first, or the street first?"
Me: "Write it how you would normally write your address on a form."
Fae: "........."
Me: "So write the number first."
John: "My address has two words in it. Do I write both of the words?"
Me: "Okay, I'm going to do an example with my address on the board. (pause) Not my real address, because I don't trust any of you creepers with that."
Kyle: (disappointedly) "Oh man."
Me: "Exactly. Here's how I would write this address: 350 Holland Lane Nashville TN 37220."
Tina: (shoots hand in air) "My address is 'Drive.' Do I write 'Drive,' or do I write 'DR'?"
Me: "I don't think it matters."
Tina: (angsty-face) "But--"
Me: "OKAY--write 'Drive'!"
Nick: (raises hand)
Me: "Yes, Nick?"
Nick: "What if I don't know my address?"
Me: "Oh, very funny."
Nick: "I don't know my address."
Me: (pause, gauging whether this is a joke) "I can't decide whether you're joking right now..."
Nick: "No, seriously."
Me: "What?! How is it possible that you don't know your address? If you got lost, and a policeman asked you where you live, and you told him you don't know, he would say 'What? Are you three?!'"
James: (raises hand)
Me: "Don't tell me you don't know your address either."
James: "Ummm."
Me: "OH. MY. GOD. How many other people don't know their addresses?"
(three more hands in the air)
Me: (frozen in disbelief--like, I think my brain quit working for a moment)
James: "Sooo, what should I put?"
Me: "I don't know. I seriously never considered the possibility that some of you would have no clue where you live. I don't think the test makers did either, because there's no neat little speech in here telling me what to tell you right now. We have literally thrown the book out of the airplane. It's burning in the witch's oven. We are sunk. Watership Down." (I place my head in my hands to collect my ever-so-not-calm thoughts).
Mabel: "Guys. We broke her."
Me: "Close enough, Mabel. Close enough."
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